Author Interview: Becky Whetstone, author of I (Think) I Want Out

My research-based nonfiction book is for couples in marriage crisis. Whether an affair has been discovered, or someone has mustered the courage to say I think I want a divorce, a moment is ignited that will change everything in a family’s lives. When this happens, couples are lost, confused, feeling crazy, and looking everywhere for solid information. This book provides that. I describe the phenomenon of marriage crisis, what causes it, teach couples how to diagnose their marriage and figure out what needs to be done, provide a plan for a managed separation or an amicable divorce, and guide people through an intelligent decision-making process. Couples will get the most thorough understanding, learn what is the right thing to do for their family, and learn how to take care of themselves during the process.

What inspired you to write your book?

I went through a marriage crisis 30 years ago and couldn’t find anyone to help. Our marriage therapist sent us away because I wasn’t motivated to do marriage therapy. We managed things on our own, made a mess, ended up divorced prematurely, and our two children paid a heavy price for this. I decided to dedicate myself to understanding what happened, to learn if anything could be done, went to graduate school and became a marriage therapist, and began applying what I had learned to help couples. It has become a phenomenon, and people all over the world reach out to me to help them in their marriage crisis.

If you have a business related to your book, tell us about it:

I work as a marriage therapist, life coach, and I have a website called Marriage Crisis Manager. I strongly feel couples should not do a marriage crisis without skilled guidance. People can purchase my services, but also join support groups, Facebook groups for those in crisis, and I teach therapists how to do this work.

What is a typical day like for you?

I write a blog about relationships and marriage, and the blog has grown my marriage crisis business exponentially. I am becoming the go-to person for those experiencing marriage crisis, which is something I always wanted. It is a niche in our field that is rare, difficult to find, and well-needed.

What do you most enjoy about what you do?

There is something about talking to the individuals and couples in crisis that fires me up. I feel high after almost every session, which reassures me I am doing what I was put on earth to do. They need me, and I take their marriage and family very seriously and they know it. I offer some form of hope for them, and they are very grateful. It is a mutually satisfying relationship. I also feel, for myself, that I am redeeming myself for past stupid decisions. Quite a few couples are through the crises in a few months, and on their way to a much better place. This is very gratifying.

What are some favorite books you’d recommend to our readers?

For marriages, Fierce Intimacy audiobook by Terry Real is the best I have every found. It is profound. Pia Mellody’s Facing Codependence if the textbook I use for my clients. It is life changing. All of her books are.

What advice do you have to offer our readers?

I know it sounds cliché, but don’t give up. I have attempted off and on to sell this idea to publishers for 15+ years. I have been rejected too many times to remember and told my idea was too negative or that if I don’t have a solution to save every marriage in the end then they don’t want it. That’s just not realistic.

I kept coming back to it every few years. What finally got me over the hump is a publisher queried me to write a book in 90 days for them on a subject I wasn’t interested in. I tried out for it and didn’t get the gig, but they had sent me an outline for a nonfiction book, and I thought, I am going to sit here and follow the outline they gave me and finish my book. It felt very doable with that outline for some reason. I also hired a respected book editor to receive each chapter, offer me feedback, and she was extremely encouraging and supportive. She was also expensive, so I told myself I couldn’t spend all this money and not see it through.

We finished it in a year, and then she helped me write a proposal. I spent months sending it around, getting rejections, told I didn’t have big enough of a following, and never did get an agent. Finally, my editor sent it to a publisher that doesn’t require agents, a place she once worked for. They sent me a contract in three days. I would have published it myself eventually if things hadn’t worked out, but I really wanted to have a publisher, and I am super excited about how it turned out.

What would people be surprised to learn about you?

I can’t believe I am a marriage crisis manager. Nothing shocks me more. I ask myself, why would anyone want to do work with people who are freaking out and when so much is on the line? I can’t explain it even to myself. I just love it and never want to stop doing it.

What’s next for you?

I think I might like to write a workbook for therapists to use to help couples manage their marriage crisis. I want to have classes for therapists and teach them how to do it.

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